Uncensored 1996: Two Good Matches, One Giant Cage, and a Whole Lot of Regret

Konnan and Eddie Guerrero open with a good, if somewhat uneven, United States title match. The early mat work takes time to settle, but the pace improves as Guerrero begins using quicker counters and aerial offense while Konnan answers with power and submissions. The finish is awkward, with Guerrero effectively crashing into a low blow before Konnan gets the pin. CAGEMATCH currently rates the match 6.49 and records a three-and-a-quarter-star Observer rating. TJR also gave it 3.25 stars. It is a credible opener and one of only two matches on the show that feels fully worthwhile.

The Belfast Bruiser and Lord Steven Regal deliver the best match of the night by ignoring almost everything else on the card and simply beating the hell out of each other. The strikes are stiff, Regal gets bloodied, and both men turn basic grappling exchanges into something that feels personal. The disqualification finish is unfortunate because the match earns a better conclusion, but the physicality survives it. CAGEMATCH currently rates the match 7.33 and records a three-and-a-quarter-star Observer rating. Leighty also praised it as the night's standout. This is the one match that belongs on a serious recommendation list.

Madusa against Col. Robert Parker is a short novelty match built almost entirely around the crowd wanting Madusa to embarrass him. She does what she can with dropkicks, a dive and a German suplex, while Parker provides broad comedy and very limited offense. The audience reacts strongly whenever Madusa takes control, which makes the interference finish especially deflating when Dick Slater helps Parker steal the pin. The match runs under four minutes and is not eligible for the CAGEMATCH match guide. TJR rated it a dud. The crowd heat is real; the wrestling and finish are not.

The Booty Man versus Diamond Dallas Page is sixteen minutes of a match that needed perhaps six. Page works hard to create heat by stalling, selling and interacting with Kimberly, but Ed Leslie cannot meet him halfway with enough offense or pace to sustain the length. The stipulation creates additional confusion because the advertised I Quit Wrestling match ends by ordinary pinfall after Kimberly slaps Page. CAGEMATCH currently rates the match 1.60 and records a dud Observer rating. TJR gave it one star. The future main-event version of DDP is visible in flashes, which only makes the surrounding material feel more unfortunate.

The Giant versus Loch Ness is a mercifully short number-one-contender match that mostly demonstrates the physical limitations of Loch Ness at this stage of his career. Giant takes one impressive bump to the floor and otherwise works around an opponent who can barely move through the simplest exchanges. The leg-drop finish gives Giant the obvious victory and sends him toward Ric Flair on Nitro. The match runs under three minutes and is not eligible for the CAGEMATCH match guide. TJR rated it a dud. It is functional booking disguised as a wrestling match.

Sting and Booker T against the Road Warriors sounds much better than it plays. The match has energy in short bursts, especially when weapons finally appear and the action spills backstage, but the structure is repetitive and the thirty-minute length is brutal. Hawk's refusal to sell some of Booker's offense and the constant switching between pairs make the brawl feel less dangerous than busy. CAGEMATCH currently rates it 3.90 with a half-star Observer rating. TJR gave it 2.75 stars while arguing it needed roughly fifteen minutes removed. The finish advances Harlem Heat's title chase, but the journey is exhausting.

The Doomsday Cage is one of the great monuments to wrestling excess. The structure looks impressive on television, but the rules are unclear, large portions of the live audience cannot follow the action, and the match behaves more like several unrelated fights stacked on top of each other than one coherent contest. Hogan and Savage work through a parade of opponents before the match eventually reaches the floor, where the Booty Man introduces frying pans and Lex Luger's loaded glove accidentally hits Flair. CAGEMATCH currently rates it 0.73 and the Observer gave it minus three stars. It is required viewing only as historical catastrophe.